Does partner inequality lead to more infidelity?
Because he is jealous of the good qualities of his wife, he seeks an escape from envy on infidelities. Our author about a man who cheats out of envy.
In terms of my disposition, I would have to be monogamous through and through. I prefer it when life goes on smoothly, no unnecessary excitement, no stress, both professionally and privately, no sharp swings up or down.
Something like cheating will definitely bring unrest into life. Experience speaks from me here. I've been cheating on my wife Elena for years.
"I am married and I want to stay one!"
It happens again and again, even though all of this is basically too chaotic and stressful for me. Just these secrets, this organized double life that you have to lead so that the whole thing doesn't get exposed, that's exhausting like a part-time job.
I proceed strategically, I always try to meet a certain playmate only a few times so that she doesn't fall in love with me and annoy me because she promised more about our affair. At every one-night stand I also emphatically announce "Don't fall in love with me, I'm married and want to stay that way!"
Nevertheless, it has already happened that a woman interpreted too much into a story, a catastrophe. The adrenaline rushes through your veins when you're sitting at dinner, the kids talk about school, Elena hands me the butter and looks at me lovingly, and then you get one message after the other, and finally turn off the cell phone. Your wife asks you if everything is okay, you lie and claim that there was a colleague who has a problem. In moments like this I feel like I'm getting years old.
Unfaithful out of envy
Why am I doing all this to myself? Why am I doing this to Elena? Although I really love her more than anything, you have to imagine that. I know why I'm doing this to her, why I'm doing it to myself, I'm not kidding myself in that regard.
Of course, sex outside of marriage is often very wild and unusual, that's one reason, but in principle it doesn't matter. My wife is also very wild and unusual. Sex wouldn't drive me into another woman's arms. I can find everything I need at Elena. She is perfect. That's it, it's perfect, I think it's perfect, everyone thinks it's perfect.
That's why I married Elena. Only over the years did I notice that I was chronically inferior to her and that that matters to me.
Cheating is the only thing he's superior to her
That's the deeper psychological reason why I cheat on my wife. I use it to boost my self-esteem. If I were as great as Elena, I wouldn't cheat on her, but just enjoy my life with her.
I can't outdo my wife in any other way than cheating. It's tough, but it's the truth that I don't shy away from. The crazy thing is that Elena has a completely different view of me, if she knew that I had complexes, she wouldn't believe it and laugh at it because it would seem absurd to her. Because she thinks I'm perfect, not because I actually am, but because she loves me. Your love makes me great, that's the subtle difference. She is even more capable of loving than I am.
Elena is really better in every area of life. She got the best Abitur in school, she was the best student, the best athlete, the best daughter, the best friend, she is the best woman, she is the best mother for our children. And Elena is beautiful. I married a saint, a saint who is not even boring, on the contrary, she is adorably funny. An enrichment for every round. And for me.
I reached for the stars and got them.
She is perfect, he is not at her height
At first, Elena's perfection didn't bother me at all. I was very proud of her. It was only after we got married and our first child was born that I gradually began to compare myself to her up to my own psychological pain threshold. She did her job at the university with flying colors, she is a professor of environmental technology.
She took care of the child with devotion, cooked the most delicious and healthiest dishes every day and decorated the house, looked after our whole family, had and has a good thought, a good word and a good deed for everyone. And she cared and cares for me, she is always there for me, she is a great lover, a conversationalist on an equal footing.
It's just that I'm not at eye level with her.
I'm a teacher, and when I come home from school and there is still something to do in the household or the children want something from me, I'm already overwhelmed. I get irritated easily. My motto is to work according to regulations, my ambition is not particularly pronounced, I muddle through life. How I would like to be different, I suffer from myself, but I just don't get into the pots, as the saying goes. I inherited that from my mother, who is just as lazy and has spent most of her life on the sofa.
Easy-to-find affairs make cheating easier
The first time I slept with another woman, I was amazed at how it lifts me. I actually felt more equal to Elena. There is this sketch by Loriot, where the woman is doing a yodeling diploma and is proud of it, like Bolle and her husband, that she now has something of her own. I feel the same way.
Extra-marital sex is like my yodeling diploma. I don't even have to work that hard for that.
I have it easy with women, I am considered a very attractive man, I don't have to work hard to get someone to go to bed with me. And I'm good in bed, I can say that about myself, I've heard that so often that it has to be true. Again, I'm in no way superior to Elena, like I said, she's a one on the sheets.
Is there a way out of the fraud spiral?
One might ask why, since I see myself through very well, I am cheating on my wife and not finding another way, a more adult and decent way of dealing with my inferiority. For example, I could do therapy.
After all, there is always the risk that my double life will be exposed, that Elena will notice what I'm doing. Then I lose my real life, my real and important and wonderful life. Much is at stake.
Maybe I'm just too lazy to work on myself, I don't know. Maybe I like the role of the poor man with the perfect woman who suffers from her perfection. I feel extremely unfair to Elena. I don't deserve it.
And yet, when I have conquered a woman again and she's in my ears, what a sensational lover I am, I don't feel the envy for a moment. Unfortunately, that doesn't last long. I have to go ahead. I often feel very guilty, I regularly find myself puking. For Elena and for me, I wish that this deception does not always accompany our marriage, that I get rid of it, that I overcome envy, that I wake up in the morning and the sting of envy is simply gone.
Confess or live with the lie?
Sometimes I thought about telling Elena everything. But I think I have long gone too far, what I have done is just too bad, not a slip up, but a routine cheating, it is no longer forgivable. Sometimes I also believe that I unconsciously long for my wife to leave me so that I end up where I really belong. Namely in a different league than that in which Elena plays, far below.
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